


Prozac

by coucherdesoleil



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:50:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7354159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coucherdesoleil/pseuds/coucherdesoleil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WARNING: This a parody. Of everything and anything, basically (see notes).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prozac

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody of my previous story 'Prologue', among other things.
> 
> The other things being fanfic, soap operas, you name it... The former story was to be very romantic, this one is intended to be completely ridiculous.
> 
> I give co-authorship credit to my two pals at SC, Leslie Schneider and Angela Brewer, who each came up with some hilarious ideas of their own for this ridiculous thing. Thanks also go to Brenda Jean Carlson for her beta of part six. 
> 
> Disclaimers: Babylon 5 does not belong to me and I am not making any profit off this. I truly don't mean to rob or insult anyone with this little piece of fanfic, although I'm afraid it may insult your intelligence. :)
> 
> Also, please note this was written AGES ago, so hopefully it has aged well.
> 
> NB: [ indicate author's notes, while italics delineate characters' thoughts.

"We're *really* broke." This from Commander Ivanova as she surveyed some of the reports concerning the station's financial situation. After seceding from Earth their already strained budget had shrunk even more.

"If I sold my organs, d'you think it'd help?" Sheridan queried.

They pondered the question for a moment. Then the fact that they were on a station with so many aliens sunk in, along with some rather unnapetizing thoughts. He *did* want his goods treated with *some* respect. She looked him up and down.

"Nah." Was her belated response. He wondered why he felt annoyed by it...

* * *

"Are you all right?" A voice sliced into his thoughts like a knife wound slices through your equilibrium.

"Yes, I'm fine." He was just a little tired. Come to think of it, he hadn't eaten and slept in so long that he probably looked a lot like swiss cheese, but that was his business. Wasn't it?

"Come with me." She dragged him kicking and screaming (so to speak).

* * *

 

"Now, you *must* sleep. You have been up for almost forty-eight hours. You should rest." She seemed worried.

He sighed and got into bed.

When he awoke, all he knew was that it was much later. So he decided to go check the time. The timepiece was in the other room. So he got up in order to go into the other room but then it took some time to get to the other room so I'll spare you those details.

Delenn.

He saw her as he walked into the other room (you should remember that he was doing that -or did I mention that?). He had forgotten that she had dragged him kicking and screaming back here last night. She must have fallen asleep. He moved to her side.

"Delenn?" He said gently, unsure as to whether or not he should wake her.

 _Fuck it!_ He thought to himself. But wait. He didn't usually think in this obscene way, now did he? _It must be some fan who's writing me again..._ , he decided. _It always sounds better when jms does the writing..._

He touched her shoulder, shaking her gently.

"Delenn?" He said softly. He seemed to be saying that a lot these days. Or maybe just in this story.

She awoke after a long case of the writer's dragging the scene out for a very...very...very...LONG TIME.

Looking into his eyes, into his soul, into the depths of depths visible in the ebullient pools of his eyes she knew that her love for him was unbounded and would last until fate ripped them from each other (kicking and screaming, of course). So she decided that instead of continuing this dissertation she had better get down to business.

His mouth took posession of hers, drinking her like one drinks water in the desert, like one doesn't drink petrol in the desert (but back to the task at hand because our lovers are getting tired)...

She moaned and pressed her body to his. He drank her in some more, reveling in the feel of her silky smoothness... He touched the ebony shower of her hair which draped against his hand like a shower of raindrops. But this was going far too slowly so he ripped off her clothes.

He put her away from him, his eyes taking her in, boring into her like sulphuric acid into your fingers...

She ripped off his clothes because she was thinking it wasn't fair that he should have all the fun.

Her eyes like emerald nightmares shone into his like moonbeams through a meteor shower...Like smooth caress incarnate she draped herself across him. Like a load of adjectives in a wordy piece of crappy fanfic his moan of uncontainable desire arose, unquenchable like death, like life, like tonsillitis...

She dragged him cooperating into the bedroom. (Because the couch, bed of roses infused with an ethereal plumage of scented apotheoses though it had become by their beginning to do the wild thing upon it, had become slightly cramped...)

* * *

Like a fire from the heavens, their love was unquenchable. After two days of being left in limbo by an incompetent author they were still at it, like the Energizer bunny...Going, and going, and going... Or coming, and coming, and coming... Or maybe not, since they hadn't gotten there yet.

(Which means I have two *frustrated* puppies on my hands... ;)

Indecision suddenly struck her like a blow from a ten pound mallet, or a slice from a chainsaw, or a tree falling on one's head.

"John." He looked up at her. Did I mention he was...well...*frustrated*?

"What?" He did not seem entirely coherent. He seemed, well... *frustrated*...

"We must not. I do not... I mean to say, I do not think this is a good idea."

"What?" He answered, frustrated. Because, did I mention that he was, well, *frustrated*? Or should I maybe say it again?

"I cannot do this! It is wrong!" She rose abruptly from the bed.

"Wha-why-wha?" He burbled, but I'll spare you the description of his emotional state this time because if you haven't gotten the picture by now I don't think I can help you.

"I... I am a maid! I must preserve the sacred flowering gift of my birth, gift that cannot be replaced by the most careful of surgeries!"

( _Geez, I sound like a doped up Susan Lucci_ , says Delenn to herself.)

Having recovered from his severe emotional trauma, John interjected.

"I am the man who will fight for your honor. I am the hero that you're dreamin' of... Like a night in shining armor... From a long time ago..." (3)

"Oh, John!" Like the primordial fire of hell when the devil has a hernia they clung to one another.

They fell onto the bed. Period. (Hope you weren't expecting any highfalutin description here because I really wasn't in the mood.)

His mouth fastened onto hers, crushing her beneath him, taking possession of her entire being, french-kissing her up to her tonsils... (1)

She melted into his arms like cheese on a piece of broccoli. Forgetting even breathing she tried to mold herself to him like Crazy glue. He drank of her again and again, choking and spluttering. Like molten lava she heated up his being with her heater-caresses. Her ethereal milky white skin glowed like eternal snow on Mount Olympus, although it probably doesn't snow in Greece very often and I know that.

Like a powerful caveman he claimed her, revelling in her complete and unconditional surrender. He didn't strike his chest like Tarzan though, because he was otherwise engaged, or did I mention that??? Primordial woman awoke in her and surrendered, because that's all women ever do in this kind of story.

As he entered her, the only images powerful enough were metaphors as her lambada rythms milked his man-potion.

Excalibur, thrusting up from the lake...A volcanic explosion making a new island rise up from the ocean...Open-heart surgery performed without anaesthetic, we see only the point where the 'doctor's' scalpel pierces through the skin for the first time...Triumphant legions of conquerors plowing through enemy lines...

Now stage two: ('cause they've definitely passed the plateau stage by now...) A bird soaring up into the sky...Dynamite exploding in a canyon because they're trying to make way for a train...More dynamite... And more... Boom...hehehe...A volcano in the depths of the ocean blowing its stack... A burst appendix...An earthquake (at least 8.0 on Richter's scale)...A ten car pileup...(2)

* * *

[Author's notes:

(1) This was taken from 'Rock et Belles Oreilles', a group of comics here in Quebec that unfortunately doesn't exist anymore.  
(2) This was one of Monica G's sound-effects. ;) I just thought it seemed appropriate.  
(3) These are lines from a 1980s song which is in the soundtrack of 'Karate Kid Two'.]

* * *

He was distracted.

He figured he was distracted because he walked into a wall. But he also figured that's what one night of fleshy pleasures did to you.

"Captain?" Ivanova was bouncing off the walls trying to get his attention.

"What?" He asked.

He finished dealing with her before going to his office to finish some paperwork, trying to distract himself so as not to let Mr. Libido get too vocal...

* * *

He had gone to his office to finish some paperwork, but had gotten distracted. He figured he was distracted because he almost ate a maintenance report.

Meanwhile...

* * *

Delenn was pacing to and fro in her quarters. John had not communicated with her in any way after their time together last evening.

"I love John! I hate John!" She repeated aloud, over and over again.

* * *

 

He fondly thought of the hour when he had had the pleasure of making her aquaintance further. He had not inquired after her yet, but planned to, for he had discovered her to be a most pleasant evening companion. His thoughts dwelled on that moment when he had had the pleasure of expanding his aquaintance of her, (in more ways than one baby!- Mr.Libido again :) and realized he had not yet inquired after her. Perhaps it would be prudent to do so.

 _Now I sound like a BAD+rather crass parody of something..._ He thought to himself...

Delenn walked in to the room. He smiled, because then he didn't have to stay there thinking these stupid thoughts anymore. (The not thinking part wasn't hard). She walked up to him and they embraced.

"I missed the pleasure of your company at breakfast this morning." She said softly. "I was most distressed that you chose not to be present.

"Forgive me my precious. It was not my intent to injure such a pleasant and esteemed personage as yourself. I must confess I had business of a most pressing nature to attend to as pertains to the environment we inhabit. And parting from you when morn came was such sweet sorrow. Or such bitter

abysmal and apocalyptically wordily absolute and ridiculous sorrow, which made me want to run screaming for my very life. But I had far, far better things to do thanks to you, than I had ever done, and it was a far far better rest I experienced in your bed than I had ever known."

She looked at him strangely. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. We're alike you and I, alike and selfless."

He looked at her even more strangely, and even more out of character. "Out out damn duty! Out the window!"

"As night curled me up in its ravaging arms I cried for you: John! John! Where art thou, John!"

"And I, like Paris, felt the urge to start a war for your jade eyes, my Helen! But I said, what the fuck, since we're already in one!!!"

They kissed. I'm getting tired of being wordy now so I'll stop. As to any big descriptions of raucous sexual acts on the desk of his office involving ripped clothing and papers flying left and right as well as moans of excited rapture as they simultaneously reach apotheosis of being as they come again and again and again, well, I guess you'll be disappointed because I hadn't planned any.

* * *

Garibaldi looked like he'd just burst his spleen. He was standing in the middle of a vociferous crowd as Sheridan walked up to him.

"What's going on?" The latter asked the former. Before Garibaldi could answer, he was cut off by a short blue-skinned alien.

"I have been violated!!!" The little twerp said.

* * *

Medlab was full of security personnel.

Besides that, a technician was picking up the remains of Stephen's last experiment which had for some reason involved handling nitroglycerine and burning ether to see if they would blow up.

Franklin walked up to Sheridan and handed him a plastic cup, gesturing impassively to an enclosed area over to one side.

"Now wait just a minute..." Sheridan said to Franklin.

"What?"

"You know that there's no way in hell that this is possible, don't you? Please tell me you do so I don't have to go through this. This is nuts!"

Franklin gave him a take your medicine like a good boy look.

"I know it's not possible, but *they* have to know. They really think this happened, because the lot of you passed by its quarters during its period of fertility. And you said it yourself: if we don't treat them considerately even though we know this is ridiculous, how are we going to keep their support?"

"You have your choice." He said, pointing to a nearby table before walking away, smirking. Sheridan walked over to said table as Garibaldi stepped out of the aforementioned enclosure and handed Franklin another plastic cup.

So Franklin had these for *medicinal* purposes, huh? He thought to himself. On the table was a selection including "Exotic Centauri style pleasures-multiplying the angles and positions", "Kama Sutra- we can do it better than the old guys", and he thought he glimpsed something about how to bring a Minbari to multiple orgasms in six perverted lessons.

He thought he glimpsed something at the bottom of the stack. *NOW you're talking* he thought to himself... And went to do his thing.

* * *

He hiccuped and it was over. He looked down at the inventory from maintenance which he still held in one hand.

"They've got the right tool for *every* job..." He said to himself before leaving the cubicle.

* * *

"So how'd the paternity test go?" Ivanova smirked as both Sheridan and Garibaldi entered C&C. They both looked daggers in her direction. She'd gotten out of this one because of a convenient physiological difference...

The alien in question had finally had the proof it required that none of them had fathered its child. At which point it had said "I have been touched by the Spirit..."

And left, feeling much exalted.

* * *

She came to him again that night while he slept. He caught her in his arms to quench the fire that had just burned a hole in his chest.

She smelled of 'PineSol' and 'Mr. Clean', intermingled with 'Teen Spirit'.

 _What is she, a floor?_ He thought to himself.

Afterwards, he slept, having previously exhausted himself.

* * *

He was pooped.

He'd spent the entire day arguing with the Ambassadors form the former League of Non-Aligned Worlds about everything from cutlery to toilet plumbing. If it hadn't been for Delenn...

He walked into a wall again. He figured he should maybe stop doing that. So he walked into his quarters which were right next to the place on the wall that he had walked into.

* * *

He was in bed several hours later when he heard a great noise and woke up.

Walking out of the bedroom, he saw it was Delenn who was lying in the remains of all of his plates.

He helped her up and got some Crazy-Glue, and began to stick the plates together.

He looked at her. He realized then, just looking at her, just how much he loved her, and how pure their love was. They would never wake up to find that their long lost illegitimate daughter had come back to fall in love with his best friend only to find that the man was actually her father. He knew he would never walk into a room to find Delenn kissing his best friend. He was also pleased he would not have to go through twelve marriages, only six of them to her in order to spend the rest of his life with her, and also in order to avoid the priest guy who was insisting they were long lost brother and sister...

They kissed. "Bedrooom" They said in clicheed unison.

So they jumped into the sack.

He kissed her, ravishing her where she lay, and she kissed him back, removing his manhood with her suction-like desire.

"Whoa." John said, and not because of what you think.

"Delenn." He continued.

"Yes John?" She answered breathlessly, writhing before the power of his man-essense.

"There's something I just realized...You see...We haven't been...Careful."

"What?" She said, still stuck on that man-essense thing.

He took a tiny square shaped package out of a chest-drawer, and turned towards the readers, waving said object in the air.

"Now remember kids. If I say it's cool to use SAFE SEX, it means you can be cool too!"

Meanwhile Delenn had opened another of the packages. Looking on the wrapping she said... "Small size?"

* * *

"Captain!" Ivanova seemed to have gotten her panties in a knot.

He'd been staring off into space that was black like the blackest moment of your life...Except for the white stuff of course.

"Yes Commander?"

"The Pak'ma'ra ambassador wants clearance, so does a ship of Centauri traders, and so does..." He watched her long-winded litany, not having to listen too hard (a short attention span does that to you anyway) in order to realize that the ambassadors were, as usual, making gaseous pains in asses of themselves.

He opened a channel to the Pak'ma'ra ambassador.

"Ambassador? What seems to be the problem?"

For his trouble, he obtained the usual polite discourse which one obtains when one is told to go climb a tree...Preferably in a way that will hurt some bass/tenor/alto/deep voice/masculine/sex drive inducing parts.

Having cleared up the situation, he stared at the stars, thinking of her, remembering her as she walked out of her quarters limping from the aftershocks of his 12 1/2 inch passion machine.

He looked out at the stars, remembering all they had been through together, and telling himself that tommorow was another day. And, as he stood there, still bored, he remembered a rhyme which boded much for their future...

You do the hoky-poky...

For some reason he felt it wasn't worthwhile remembering the rest.

Then he woke up, tangled in the bedclothes, and realized it was all a dream.

* * *

THE END

 

 


End file.
